This is not a kitchen sink

So why is it in my fucking kitchen?  It doesn't even belong in a bathroom.  It doesn't belong anywhere.

This place drives me crazy sometimes.  I can cook, but I can't do dishes.  It's hard to wash pots and pans in a sink the size of a serving bowl.  It's hard to wash a plate in that fucking thing.  So if I have anything larger than a glass to wash I end up doing it in the bathtub.  Fun!

I need a new fucking kitchen but I have no money so I have to wait.  Light fixtures are my new obsession right now.  Every single one that's here has to go.  They're all awful.  We're talking chandeliers here, people.  Lots of brass.  I dressed them up with Mardi Gras beads and it still hasn't helped.  I don't know what to do, except leave the house as much as possible.

But the internet people came and woke me up at 8am today so now I have internet at home which means I don't really want to leave the house much.  Hmm.  Maybe I should look on the internet for new light fixtures.  Brilliant.

Because new light fixtures will improve my life, I am certain of this.  New light fixtures and new window coverings.  And a ceiling fan.  Definitely a ceiling fan.

Day 25

We're on Day 25 and I've really got nothing here.  Sure, there's plenty going on, and I have to work later and let's not even talk about the bathroom floor.  But I'm tired and I don't want to talk about it and I'm at the library because I couldn't do the Christmas music today, I really couldn't, and it was everywhere, literally everywhere, every coffee shop, everywhere with internet, so I had to come over here to get some peace and fucking quiet and internet.

FUCK, it sucks not having internet at home.  Of COURSE it had to cut out a week after I literally committed to being on the internet at least once a day for an entire fucking month.  Of course of course of course, blah blah blah.  I'm really wishing I had made it a bet instead of just accepting the challenge like a dumbass.  I really wish I was better at thinking things through.  I'm pretty sure I've already said that here before.  Oh well.

On a different subject entirely.  I noticed something kind of interesting today.  The battery in my camera is almost completely drained, which usually wouldn't be all that interesting.  The battery in my camera drains all the time, especially when my boyfriend has his shirt off.  What's interesting about it is that the battery is drained because I haven't used it.  At all.  I've had my camera out maybe twice in the past two weeks.

That's odd.  That's not like me.  Usually my battery drains once a week from overuse.  Lately I've been completely uninspired.  I feel like I should do something about that.  What exactly?  Fuck.  Who knows.  I wish recharging my inspiration were as easy as plugging in my battery.

Nope, not yet

I thought I might wake up feeling better about things today, but no. Not even close. I'm still bitter about the bicycle. Still bitter that I have to wake up at 8am five days in a row. Still bitter that I don't have Internet. Still bitter that the job that promised me health insurance has arbitrarily decided they can't afford it now and aren't going to give it to me. Motherfuckers, don't they know that that's the only reason I even TOOK that fucking job? Now I have to go look for another one. I HATE looking for work.

I also hate that I'm going to be without a bathroom for two days again, provided the motherfuckers show up like they're supposed to tomorrow. I'd like to go stay with a friend, but the Internet assholes are coming Thursday morning and I need to be here to let them in.

From what I hear, certain people regret challenging me to post something everyday for a month. From what I hear, certain people didn't realize I was so angry and hateful right now. I tried to warn certain people about this in the first place, I distinctly remember saying, "I really don't want to talk about things right now, I have nothing to say," but certain people didn't want to listen. Too late now, oh fucking well. Everyday for a month. You got it. Happy now?

More fuel for the fire

Things were looking up for a minute there.  It was a good weekend, I got lots of sleep.  I made an appointment for someone to come finish my bathroom floor Wednesday morning. (they'd better fucking show up)  I went and bought lots of happy, clothes and a wine rack.  All kinds of shit, crazy on sale.  All over the neighborhood.

So yeah, I thought things might be on an upswing, I thought my mood might be about to improve, then I got a phone call last night informing me that the bicycle I left in New Orleans had been stolen.

Moth-er-FUCK-er.

I LOVED that fucking bicycle.  We went everywhere together.  FUUUCK.

This is the only picture I have.  I took it with my phone when I brought it home:

                


Now I have no fucking transportation when I visit.  Fantastic.  This is getting better and better.

It's quite a feeling, being fucked over in absentia.  I wasn't in the same zip-code, wasn't even in the same TIME ZONE.  And still?

I don't even know what else to say anymore.

Something good happened today

Actually, two good things happened today.  One was that the $250.00 sunglasses I thought I lost were found.  I called the bar I was at last night and lo and behold, miracle of miracles, the bartender had them.  Holy shit.  Now I have to go all the way to Brooklyn and back tonight to retrieve them.  Boo.

The other good thing was that I tried to go shopping for a pair of boots because it's starting to get cold here but they were all too expensive so I didn't get any, BUT when I got home Cesar said, "Oh, I have a package for you!"  And lo and behold, miracle of miracles, it was a beautiful pair of leather boots, a gift from my friends in Palm Beach.  Amazing when life literally hands you exactly what you need.

Otherwise, everything is still fucked.  I heard Christmas music today for the first time while I was shopping and it made me want to strangle someone.  Oh, here's a picture of the monstrosity that is now in the lobby of our building at work:

                            

I took that picture Saturday when I walked in and saw them putting it up.  I was horrified.  I wanted to post it yesterday, but I was writing from my phone and I couldn't get the picture thing to work.  I've been trying to post by text but that shit doesn't work.  I can't get them to come do my internet at home until December 2nd.  Fuck fuck fuck.

I told the bathroom guys to go fuck themselves and give me my money back for the damn floor.  Someone else can do that shit.

I'm tired.  I'm tired of looking at this computer screen.  I'm tired of talking to you right now.  I have piles and piles of laundry to do and it HAS to be done tonight and I have to go all the way out to Brooklyn and back.  I have to wake up early and work a long ass today tomorrow.  I have nothing else to say.  Goodnight.

Bah humbug

Are you fucking kidding me? I went to to work yesterday and walked into the building and this is what I saw. They're putting a Christmas tree up. A fucking CHRISTMAS tree. It's not even fucking Thanksgiving yet! What the fuck! Now I have to look at that shit every fucking day? Fan-fucking-tastic.

I hate Christmas. I'm not sure if you knew that already, but now you do. The entire six week period from Thanksgiving to New Year's makes me want to vomit. I haven't heard any Christmas music yet, I have a feeling I'm going to break someone's face when I do.

Speaking of breaking people's faces, when I got home from work last night and took the paper off the bathroom, I discovered that those assholes didn't do the floor. So now I'm going to have to get these cocksuckers back over here AGAIN to do the fucking floor like I fucking paid them to do, which means I'm going to be out of a bathroom AGAIN for two fucking days.

Fuck this shit. No, really. Fuck this shit.

Fuck you

Yeah, pretty much.

That's really all I have to say today. Fuck you, fuck my job, fuck my boyfriend, fuck my so-called friends, fuck my neighbors, and fuck the people down the street. You're all a bunch of piece of shit assholes and I really don't have the time or inclination to deal with this bullshit anymore. The whole world, yes, including you, can go fuck off and die and go straight to hell right now. I would love to physically hurt people right now, I really would. Stay the fuck out of my way. It looks like some people are too fucking stupid to figure that out.

My Internet still isn't working. I'm still typing this shit in the browser of my phone because I'm too pissed off to try to figure out that text thing. My job royally fucked me and I really don't even want to talk about it right now. I don't have a bathroom and I have my period and FUCK THAT SHIT because I got on a plane and left town so I wouldn't have to deal with that problem and those people FUCKED ME. I have friends in town I'm dying to spend time with and I have no time to spend.

There's a million other things going on that suck right now and I really don't want to talk about it. Yes, Jonny, I'm feeling very stabby today...

Sunshine and skittles

Of course my Internet isn't working at home. Of course I have no time to go take my computer anywhere because I will literally be at work all day and night. So I have to try to do this on my phone. I have no idea how well it's going to work. I think I'm supposed to be able to text pictures and whatever to some number and it will automatically post here, but I haven't really spent too much time experimenting with that shit yet and I sure as fuck don't feel like doing it now. I don't have time anyway.

FUUUCK. Reason number 4,793 to hate everything in the universe right now.

Oh, sorry. Did you think I had something nice to say? No. Not today, I'm afraid. Not yet. I still hate everyone. I'm waiting for these fucking people to get here to do my bathroom, I don't want to leave until they get here, even if it makes me late for work. I have had very little sleep, I have to work a very lucrative but very LONG day today, come home to no bathroom, and on the next day to still no bathroom and plenty more work. Certain people in my life really suck right now which doesn't help matters and the worst thing of all is that they're talking about needing to get the holiday decorations up at work and I'm like WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! Can't you please just let me linger in my bubble of denial just a little while longer? Can you let me pretend the holidays aren't coming just for a few more days?

Fuck. I want to stab someone.

Yes, sunshine and skittles, people. That's what I'm here to bring you. Sunshine and fucking skittles, bright and early on a Friday morning.

The resentment returns

I don't really have anything nice to say today.  Those assholes were supposed to re-finish my bathroom while I was out of town and they didn't.  I was told that the guy got into a car accident on the way to my apartment and what the fuck kind of shit is that?  How fucking stupid do people take me for?  I HATE BEING lied to.  Seriously.  Ask my therapist, she'll tell you...

So now they're going to do it tomorrow, which is all fine and good except for that fact that I SPECIFICALLY scheduled it to be done while I was out of town because I didn't want to deal with the inconvenience of not having a bathroom for two fucking days.  Fucking cocksuckers.
            
Great.  Now I hate everyone and everything and I want the whole world to fuck off and die.  I hate the fact that I have to work every night while I have friends in town, I hate the fact that I have to wake up early and work a double tomorrow.  I hate that I have so many days off next week, I hate even more that I have no money to go anywhere with all that time off.

I hate that I agreed to post something on this stupid blog every day for a month, especially on days like today when I have nothing to offer but venom and misery.  I hate that I lost a MetroCard with thirty-something dollars on it at the fucking airport yesterday.

Hmm, what else?  I'm on a roll here...

San Francisco... oh, we don't have time for that today...

I hate that summer is gone and I can't wear  sundresses anymore.  I hate that so many of my friends are so far away.  I hate that my honey won't be here until December 5th, which, incidentally, is also the same day my current challenge ends and I don't have to come up with some inane bullshit to post on this ridiculous blog every day and I win.

You know, what else I hate?  I hate that I left it as only a challenge and didn't make it a bet.  I totally should have pushed for dinner at Morimoto, or a new pair of Manolo's or some shit like that.  I hate the fact that I don't think sometimes...
        

Random thoughts

I need to paint these fucking cabinets in the kitchen.  They're on their way out anyway, the entire kitchen is eventually going to be overhauled into a properly functioning kitchen that a human being who cooks and eats actual food can live with.  It's going to be fucking expensive SPECTACULAR when it's done, people.

But in the meantime, until that becomes a reality, I may as well make the cabinets fun to look at instead of insane asylum white.  And since the cabinets aren't staying, (no way in hell are they staying) I can fuck around and paint them any way I damn well please.  Blue with yellow and pink polka dots?  Why not?  I can paint them every week if I feel like it.  One week they can be sponge-painted silver, next week, orange and forest-green plaid.  Maybe I'll get someone who's skilled with a spray can to come in and tag that shit up.  Or I can cover them with Minnie Mouse stickers!

No.  Not Minnie Mouse stickers.

But something.  Anything but insane asylum white.  Plum crazy purple, perhaps.  But the insane asylum white has got to do.  

The resentment begins

You're probably going to want to smack me for what I'm about to say.  I would want to smack me for what I'm about to say.  But whatever, it's on my mind, so I'm just going to say it.

At first I was excited about fixing up this apartment.  I ran around saying, it's going to be so great!  It's going to be so much fun!  I get to fix it up however I want, paint it any colors I want, put in a new kitchen and new light fixtures and it's going to be SO MUCH FUN!!

You know what?  This shit isn't fun.  At all.

As a matter of fact, it's so not fun that I really haven't even started yet.  I put a rug over the huge stain on the ugly carpet, replaced the sheets and pillowcases on the sofabed, got a new tablecloth and threw a blanket over the ugly-as-shit-but-comfortable-as-fuck chair.  I hung a few random pictures in spots that already had hooks in the wall.  After that, the home-improvement project came to a screeching halt.

I look at the carpet and it depresses me and I think, oh, I should go to the hardware store and get a big knife and a pair of hedge clippers and tear that shit up and throw it away.  Then I could at least sweep and polish the lovely hardwood floor underneath, and eventually have someone re-sand and re-finish it for me.  But then the thought of actually DOING that depresses me even more and I want to go back to bed.

I should remind you here that I'm really lazy, people.  Really, really lazy.  I hate doing shit that requires me to, you know, move, unless it's something I personally find enjoyable and rewarding, like riding my bike or climbing around on mountains and shit like that.  Tearing up a carpet and painting my apartment don't qualify.

I need to call a fucking painter to come over here before I rip out the carpet though, because there's no way in hell I'm painting it myself, and picking colors gives me a headache.  Once they start painting my life will be thrown into upheaval until they are done, and I'm sick of my life being in fucking upheaval.  I've been living in a state of upheaval since JANUARY when this whole mess started.

But I can't stand the way it looks for much longer, so there you go.  I'm kind of fucked for a while, no matter what.

We're not even going to talk about the kitchen right now.

One of my biggest problems is that I can clearly see the finished result in my head, and I really can't seem to wrap my head around the concept that it's a "process" as they say, and that it will "take time and patience (and lots of fucking money, of course) to complete but will be so rewarding once it's finished!"  Yeah, I know it will be rewarding.  But if I know what I want it to look like, why can't it be done tomorrow?  Why can't I just leave town for a couple of days and get a team in here and have it be magically and beautifully finished upon my return?  Isn't that how it works on all those TV shows?

So yeah, I'm feeling resentful over having to direct my time, money and energy towards all this crap right now when I have better things to do with my time, money and energy.  Much better things.  Like, you know... write this blog, or see what people are doing on facebook.  Or ride my bike around the park, or sleep.  Or eat pizza, or sit in bars and talk to strangers...

Yeah, I know.  I'm an asshole, aren't I?

Night and day

This is what it looked like before:

          


I only lasted a week looking at that shit.  I said to myself, well who can blame the woman.  I would have killed myself too if I had to look at that shit day in and day out.  At first I was going to wait, I said, well, it might be ugly, but you just got here and you don't have a job so you really shouldn't go spending money on sheets and pillowcases until you have a job and have some money coming in.  Then I said, OK, if I have to look at that shit for one more day I am going to climb onto the roof of this building and jump off.  So I went down to Laytner's Linens to rectify the situation.

The painting had to go as soon as humanly possible.  I couldn't look at it anymore without wanting to stab myself in the eye.  I gave it away, to that dude from craigslist who has been so helpful, the one who helped me move my shit in.  I was foaming at the mouth to get it out, and the minute I did I was overcome with a hugely depressing and horrible feeling of guilt.  I have a feeling that she loved that painting and it meant a lot to her for some reason (because she was out of her mind and bat-shit crazy) and I'm sure she would have been extremely hurt and depressed to know that I was so eager to get it out of my house.  Because it was fucking hideous.

But I got over it rather quickly, and was grateful for the plain white wall underneath.  It's going to be forever before the place looks the way I want it to.  It needs to be painted, I need to tear up the carpet and refinish the floor.  I need this, that, the other.  Whatever.  It's getting there.  This is what it looks like now:

            

At least we're moving in the right direction.