The resentment begins

You're probably going to want to smack me for what I'm about to say.  I would want to smack me for what I'm about to say.  But whatever, it's on my mind, so I'm just going to say it.

At first I was excited about fixing up this apartment.  I ran around saying, it's going to be so great!  It's going to be so much fun!  I get to fix it up however I want, paint it any colors I want, put in a new kitchen and new light fixtures and it's going to be SO MUCH FUN!!

You know what?  This shit isn't fun.  At all.

As a matter of fact, it's so not fun that I really haven't even started yet.  I put a rug over the huge stain on the ugly carpet, replaced the sheets and pillowcases on the sofabed, got a new tablecloth and threw a blanket over the ugly-as-shit-but-comfortable-as-fuck chair.  I hung a few random pictures in spots that already had hooks in the wall.  After that, the home-improvement project came to a screeching halt.

I look at the carpet and it depresses me and I think, oh, I should go to the hardware store and get a big knife and a pair of hedge clippers and tear that shit up and throw it away.  Then I could at least sweep and polish the lovely hardwood floor underneath, and eventually have someone re-sand and re-finish it for me.  But then the thought of actually DOING that depresses me even more and I want to go back to bed.

I should remind you here that I'm really lazy, people.  Really, really lazy.  I hate doing shit that requires me to, you know, move, unless it's something I personally find enjoyable and rewarding, like riding my bike or climbing around on mountains and shit like that.  Tearing up a carpet and painting my apartment don't qualify.

I need to call a fucking painter to come over here before I rip out the carpet though, because there's no way in hell I'm painting it myself, and picking colors gives me a headache.  Once they start painting my life will be thrown into upheaval until they are done, and I'm sick of my life being in fucking upheaval.  I've been living in a state of upheaval since JANUARY when this whole mess started.

But I can't stand the way it looks for much longer, so there you go.  I'm kind of fucked for a while, no matter what.

We're not even going to talk about the kitchen right now.

One of my biggest problems is that I can clearly see the finished result in my head, and I really can't seem to wrap my head around the concept that it's a "process" as they say, and that it will "take time and patience (and lots of fucking money, of course) to complete but will be so rewarding once it's finished!"  Yeah, I know it will be rewarding.  But if I know what I want it to look like, why can't it be done tomorrow?  Why can't I just leave town for a couple of days and get a team in here and have it be magically and beautifully finished upon my return?  Isn't that how it works on all those TV shows?

So yeah, I'm feeling resentful over having to direct my time, money and energy towards all this crap right now when I have better things to do with my time, money and energy.  Much better things.  Like, you know... write this blog, or see what people are doing on facebook.  Or ride my bike around the park, or sleep.  Or eat pizza, or sit in bars and talk to strangers...

Yeah, I know.  I'm an asshole, aren't I?