I am dismayed to find myself living in a city that now likes to bill itself as "kid-friendly."
Kid-friendly? Since when is NYC kid-friendly? Oh yeah, since they turned Times Square into Disney-fucking-land. I liked Times Square SO much better when it was all hookers and hustlers and drug addicts. You know, my people...
There were a lot of things I hated about San Francisco, San Franciscans themselves were at the top of the list. (NO, not ALL of them. Stop yelling at me) But one of the things I truly loved about the beautiful City by the Bay was how decidedly UN-kid-friendly it was. There are more dogs than children in San Francisco, a statistic that always brought me untold joy. It's not an urban legend, you can read the article right here. Of course, the main reason there are more pooches than pre-pubescents is because San Francisco is so motherfucking expensive that anyone who makes less than half a mil' a year can't AFFORD to have children, but that is neither here nor there. The important thing is, I didn't have to dodge baby strollers and whiny little brats screaming for soda at the grocery store every fucking day.
Here, they're everywhere. There's a playground down the street, it might be attached to a school, I'm not really sure, but every day around 11am there's a cacophony of laughter and screaming and I swear one day I'm going to firebomb the place. My apartment faces the back of the building, so there's no street noise, it's usually quiet and peaceful. Except for that one hour or so a day when I think my head is going to explode.
I don't hate all children, I'm not a monster. Nor do I blame them for their misbehavior, their screaming bloody murder on the subway, their howling in line at the bank, (the fucking bank!) their temper tantrums in the aisles of Duane Reade. I blame THEIR PARENTS for allowing that shit to go on.
Parents! Control your motherfucking children! Have some respect for the people around you, especially people who had the goddamned sense to use birth control! When your Satan's spawn starts screaming uncontrollably, TAKE IT THE FUCK OUTSIDE!! I don't care that you don't want to lose your place in line and have somewhere to go and if you take your kid outside it's going to hold up your whole day, guess what, shit like that happens when you have a kid. That's what you signed up for when you decided to breed. I have a friend who once ate her entire meal in the bathroom of a Mexican restaurant because her infant son was screaming like a banshee and wouldn't shut the fuck up and she had the DECENCY to not want to subject innocent diners to that bullshit. Take a cue, people. When an entire roomful of people are staring at you and your offspring with daggers in their eyes because they can't hear themselves think, GO THE FUCK OUTSIDE. Or to the bathroom. Somewhere. Anywhere. Just fucking GO.
This has been a public service announcement from someone who is ready to smack the fuck out of you. Oh yeah, one last thing. Congrats to Hans and Moni! They will be wonderful parents. Close to perfect, of this I am sure...