I'm so glad the fucking Olympics are over.
Countless hours in my kitchen wanting to put my eyes out with an ice-pick as my friends anxiously awaited figure-skating scores.
Countless hours at work trying to stay awake as co-workers dissect the technicalities of curling with a feverish passion.
Come on people. Let's be honest here. Bobsledding hasn't crossed your mind once in the past four years. Bobsledding hasn't crossed your mind once since the last fucking Winter Olympics, has it?
I never understood the Olympics. Not quite sure how winning the most medals in sports competitions makes one country superior to another. It's always this bizarre phenomenon, every couple of years the whole planet gets some sort of personality disorder and develops a fervent yet temporary obsession with sporting events they've never heard of and know nothing about.
The double-luge? Who gives a fuck about the double-luge? Ice-dancing? Since when do straight men watch ice-dancing?
That Apolo Ohno kid, though. Oh man. He saved the day for me. Couldn't have made it through without him. What exactly is it that he does again? He skates or something, right? I didn't notice. I was too busy picturing him naked. Yum.
Hockey is the only Olympic sport that doesn't bore the fuck out of me, probably because I'm actually a hockey fan in real life, not just every four years. Those Canadiens, bless their hearts. They needed that gold much more than we did and you know it. What a game! Overtime! That game was a hundred and fifty times more important to them than it was to us and I'm glad they won. So what if it was at our expense? I truly couldn't care less how many gold medals the U.S. wins.
I know, I know. I'm un-American. I get that a lot. I'm un-American because I don't like the Olympics, I'm un-American because I prefer books and music to television. It's OK. I'm comfortable with that.
The best part about the Olympics being over is that now us Americans can start hating each other again. For a little while there we were all came together as one, drunkenly chanting, "USA! USA!" in crowded bars. Now we can go back to normal and return to the divisive in-fighting we thrive on so well. Who wants to share their health care reform opinions? How does everyone feel about gay marriage? Do you approve of President Barack Obama, yes or no?
There. Now doesn't that make you feel a whole lot better?