The following story is entirely true. I am neither talented nor creative enough to come up with something that good. Trust me.
This story goes back to when I was living at the Compound in New Orleans. We had a nice pool back there, secluded enough that the more bohemian members of the Compound (myself included) were able to frolic in the nude on quiet days.
It was a quiet day, and my neighbor and I were enjoying some adult beverages and a bright, sunny, clothing-free day out by the pool. My neighbor (who I shall refer to as Crazy Dude, or C.D. from here on out) had the entire day off, so he had a bit of a jump on me regarding the adult beverages. I was running errands in the morning, so my party was just getting started.
Now, we'd been having some problems with neighborhood kids jumping the fence and "stealing" our pool, making a mess and leaving trash everywhere. Most of us were pretty good about chasing them away. C.D. was especially good about it. So when three kids we didn't recognize came down the back driveway and started to get in the pool, C.D. was right on top of it.
"Hey! HEY!! GET OUT OF HERE! You don't live here! You don't belong here! Unless you live here, you can't come in this pool. You need to get out of here RIGHT NOW!! Did you hear me? Get out of here! NOW!!"
At this point, the pool guy shows up behind them, all attitude.
"HEY! Who do you think you are? You can't talk to my kids like that!"
Damn. Wasn't expecting that. So I jumped out of the pool and wrapped a towel around myself. I considered going inside, but curiosity compelled me to stay. You know, to see what was going to happen next. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made.
Now, C.D. was kind of a hotheaded dude, and had a bit of a temper. With as much attitude as the pool guy was dishing out, I was genuinely surprised to see C.D. fall straight into apology mode.
"Hey, man, I'm sorry, bro. I didn't realize those were your kids, man. We've been having the kids in the neighborhood jump the fence lately... I'm sorry, man, really..."
C.D. was still in the pool (naked) at this point, and the pool guy was pacing up and down the edge, posturing and fuming over the fact that C.D. disrespected his kids.
C.D. said, "Hey man, look. I'm really sorry, OK?" He extended his arm towards the pool guy, in an effort to make peace and shake hands.
The pool guy said, "FUCK THAT" and smacked C.D.'s hand away.
Oh, pool guy. Bad idea.
Remember that temper I told you about? Yeah...
C.D. was up, out of the pool and in the guy's face before I had time to blink, or at least go get some popcorn for the show. "You got a problem? YOU GOT A FUCKING PROBLEM?"
As it turned out, the pool guy did indeed have a problem and was quite eager to settle it. Whether his kids were watching or not, and whether C.D. had clothing on... or not.
Ladies and gentlemen. You truly have not lived until you have witnessed a grown man get his ass kicked by a drunken, scrappy-ass, naked-ass hippie. In front of his kids. Truly. I should have sold tickets. I could've been a millionaire.
Ahh, the Compound. Never a dull moment...